Difficulty Building Relationships Because of Distrust

Some leadership challenges don’t begin in the workplace.
They begin in childhood.

When a child is harmed, and the person who is supposed to protect them does nothing, something fundamental breaks. Trust doesn’t just weaken; it never gets the chance to form.

As a little girl, I learned very early that speaking up did not guarantee safety. I learned that telling the truth did not automatically lead to protection. And when the person you are supposed to trust the most chooses silence, inaction, or curiosity over protection, a child internalizes a painful lesson: I am on my own.

That kind of experience doesn’t stay in childhood.
It follows you.

It shows up as watchfulness.
As silence.
As reading people closely instead of trusting words.

I became observant. I learned to read body language, tone, and patterns. I didn’t talk much; I watched. Those skills later served me well as a leader. I could read a room. I could sense tension. I could see what others missed.

But the same skill that protects you can also isolate you.

Years of harm and years of waiting for someone to step in build a deep, layered distrust. Then adulthood arrives, and relationships begin. You want to trust. You want someone to finally protect you. But people are human. They make mistakes. And when those relationships hurt too, the distrust deepens.

By the time you enter leadership, you are carrying more than a resume.
You are carrying history.

In the workplace, that history shows up quietly. You analyze everything. You question motives. You don’t take kindness at face value. When mentoring opportunities arise, instead of receiving them, you dismantle them,  looking for the hidden cost. What do they want from me? Because no one has ever simply given without strings.

Over time, protective behaviors are misread. Caution is labeled as resistance. Boundaries are called aggression. And the leader becomes known as “difficult” or “hard to work with.”

Not because they are unskilled.
But because they are guarded.

Here is the paradox I lived for a long time:
I could protect others in ways I never allowed for myself.

As a leader, I fiercely advocated for my staff. I encouraged growth. I celebrated their next steps,  even when those steps led them away from me. I wrote letters of recommendation with pride. I wanted to be what I never had.

Yet when that same support came toward me, I rejected it.

I could give safety.
I could not receive it.

That contradiction is not a weakness.
It is unresolved survival.

And this is where leadership requires honesty.

We bring our stories into our careers. If we don’t acknowledge them, they don’t disappear — they quietly shape our decisions, our relationships, and our reputations.

True growth begins when we recognize that our protective walls, while once necessary, may now be limiting us.

And true leadership,  real leadership,  requires something deeper than judgment or labels. It requires curiosity. It requires learning people’s stories before defining their behavior.

Hurt people are not bad people.
They are people who learned to survive without protection.

Mentorship without understanding is surface-level leadership.
Guidance without curiosity is control.

If you call yourself a leader, take the time to learn the story.
Not the rumor.
Not the label.
The story.

Because you cannot truly mentor someone if you don’t understand where they learned to protect themselves.

And sometimes, the most powerful leadership act is not fixing,
it is seeing.

Key Takeaway

Unacknowledged hurt doesn’t remain personal; it quietly shapes how we lead, trust, receive support, and interpret others' intentions.

Reflective Question for Readers

In what ways have you learned to give what you never received;
and how might that shape the way you lead, trust, or accept support?

Gentle References & Further Reading

(for readers who want language, understanding, or context, not rigidity)

Trauma and the Difficulty Receiving Care

Many trauma-informed frameworks explain why individuals who experienced early betrayal or neglect can become highly capable caregivers and leaders, yet struggle to receive support themselves.

This pattern is often linked to protective independence and survival-based self-reliance — where giving feels safer than receiving.

Suggested reading:

• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
  Explores how early trauma shapes adult relational patterns, including trust, hypervigilance, and difficulty receiving care.

Attachment, Trust, and Leadership

Attachment research shows that early disruptions in safety and protection can lead to adult patterns of vigilance, guardedness, and difficulty trusting authority figures, even when those figures are supportive.

This helps explain why mentorship may feel threatening instead of supportive.

Suggested reading:

• Attached – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
  Offers accessible insight into how early attachment experiences influence adult relationships, including professional ones.

 The Giver–Receiver Imbalance

Psychological research describes how some individuals become highly skilled at giving support while unconsciously rejecting it for themselves. This is sometimes discussed as asymmetrical caregiving or one-way relational safety.

Giving allows control. Receiving requires vulnerability.

Suggested reading:

• Daring Greatly – Brené Brown
  Addresses vulnerability, self-protection, and why receiving support can feel more threatening than offering it.

Trauma-Informed Leadership

Trauma-informed leadership frameworks recognize that leaders bring lived experiences into their roles, and that behaviors often labeled as “difficult” are frequently adaptive responses to past harm.

This directly supports your call for leaders to learn the story, not just judge the behavior.

Suggested reading:

• Trauma-Informed Leadership – Howard Bath & Ruth Deans
  Explores leadership through the lens of trauma, trust, and relational safety.