Ego & Kindness in Leadership
Ego & Kindness in Leadership
Leadership will test your ego.
Not in loud, dramatic ways, but in quiet, daily moments.
In meetings where you’re misunderstood.
In decisions where your authority is questioned.
In rooms where you are the only one holding the emotional temperature steady.
Ego whispers,
“Defend yourself.”
“Prove them wrong.”
“Show them who you are.”
Kindness whispers something different.
“Pause.”
“Listen.”
“Respond, don’t react.”
And the tension between those two voices?
That’s where leadership is forged.
When Ego Shows Up
Ego isn’t always loud arrogance. Sometimes it’s subtle.
It shows up as:
The need to be right.
The need to be recognized.
The need to correct immediately.
The need to control outcomes.
The urge to send that email right now.
Ego says:
“If I don’t assert myself, I’ll lose authority.”
But here’s what I’ve learned:
Authority doesn’t come from ego.
It comes from consistency, clarity, and calm.
When we lead from ego, we protect our image.
When we lead from purpose, we protect the people.
When Kindness Leads
Kindness in leadership is not weakness.
Kindness is strength under control.
It looks like:
Choosing not to escalate.
Asking, “Help me understand.”
Giving someone space to grow instead of exposing their mistake.
Holding boundaries without humiliation.
Correcting privately instead of performing publicly.
Kindness doesn’t mean you ignore accountability.
It means you deliver accountability without tearing someone down.
The strongest leaders I’ve known are not the loudest.
They are the most grounded.
The Balance Is the Work
There are moments when ego will feel justified.
You will feel:
Misrepresented.
Undervalued.
Overlooked.
Challenged unfairly.
In those moments, kindness is not about silence.
It’s about posture.
You can speak firmly without speaking harshly.
You can disagree without diminishing.
You can stand your ground without stomping your feet.
That balance takes maturity.
It takes knowing who you are, so you don’t have to prove who you are.
What I’ve Learned
I’ve learned that ego burns fast.
Kindness builds slowly.
Ego wins the moment.
Kindness wins the long game.
When leaders allow ego to drive, teams shrink.
When leaders choose kindness with boundaries, teams grow.
And here’s the truth we don’t talk about enough:
Sometimes the ego is just hurt.
Sometimes it’s exhaustion.
Sometimes it’s fear of losing control.
Sometimes it’s disappointment wrapped in pride.
Kindness, especially toward ourselves, helps us untangle that.
A Question for Leaders
Before responding, ask yourself:
Am I trying to protect my title or my mission?
Am I reacting from hurt or responding from clarity?
Will this response build trust or simply win an argument?
Leadership is not about being right all the time.
It’s about being steady enough that others feel safe enough to grow.
Final Reflection
Ego wants to be seen.
Kindness wants to see others.
The most powerful leaders learn when to be quiet and amplify the other.
And the truth is, you don’t have to shrink to be kind.
You just have to be secure enough not to roar every time you feel challenged.
That is the quiet strength of real leadership.
By Dr. Cynthia Skyers-Gordon
